Who is the sexiest player in the NFL for the upcoming 2017 season? It’s not Tom Brady.
Tom Brady. You, Gisele holding, accumulating rings, Belichick deciphering, Peyton hitting the machine, you. The old goat is often considered to be one of the most beautiful demons to ever set foot on the grill. I cannot disagree with that statement. He is tall, handsome, and looks good on various lengths of hair. His wife clearly did not marry him for his money; she has more than him. God bless Brazil. The Super Bowl 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, yes, 5 rings only help your case as I can only imagine that diamond heavy hand resting on my shoulders. Yes sir. I guess there aren’t many reasons for him not to win this, but we’ll get to that.
OBJ. I may have the hair, the tattoos, the strength of the fingers and the speed of the feet to conquer your heart, but I see through that. He’s basically a Kardashian with an affinity for catching sports balls in strange ways. It’s a great drama and you couldn’t take it to meet your mom. Plus, he plays for the Giants, a team run by a guy who looks like Michael Phelps and Haley Joel Osment have brought out a kid who was just as athletic as the latter. Read: Eli Manning.
Eric Decker. Who? Yeah. He was the only receiver that Peyton Manning made look really good, when Peyton Manning was still really good in Denver. Decker left for more money (can’t blame him) and Peyton finally vanished in the shadow of his own forehead. Decker is one of those guys you remember is on the team when he makes a play every third game. It’s a summer adventure at best. (might consider talking about his attractive country singer wife)
JJ Watt. He should be one of your favorite players to watch on Sundays, and not just because he’s good at soccer. Wink. But really, nevertheless, he is very good at soccer. The best non-dairy product in Wisconsin is basically the Texan Defense. Justin James Watt seems to be a genuinely nice guy, with over 99 Madden ratings. He would take his daughter to prom and get her home on time, but only after he mowed the lawn and paid the taxes. He’s Clay Mathews if Clay Mathews wasn’t an idiot. He is the anti-Brian Cushing.
Marshawn Lynch. CURSE! That boy is ugly, with a capital U. Why is it on this list? So that he is not fined. But really, nevertheless, that ugly boy.
Danny Amendola. Good guy Danny should be used as a ticket to Tom Brady’s party. Tom is the real prize, but if you can’t get close enough to see the golden-handed quarterback, Amendola is a good consolation prize. He’s a slightly beefier Ryan Gosling who plays soccer with Tom Brady. This really requires no further explanation. (She also just signed a lucrative modeling contract)
Russell Wilson. I’ve tried not to like Russell, really. He plays for trash birds and wins big, but damn, I can’t help but like him. If it weren’t for Talkative Predator AKA Richard Sherman it would be easier for me to dislike Russell. He is the Yin of the Sherman Yang. This pint-sized QB already has a Super Bowl ring on it and it looks like he’s only getting better. There’s something about Russell that makes me uncomfortable. It’s like he’s hiding something. Perhaps it is his game on the field that gives me the feeling of mistrust. He always seems to get out of trouble and plays a silly game that shouldn’t be possible.
Tony Romo – Sexiest NFL player of 2017. I know he’s an average looking guy. I also know that he “retired” at the end of last season. Stay with me. Romo could be playing this next season, and I think he would have a legitimate shot at winning a ring. I mean, if the walking bunch of apathy that is Jay Cutler can still get a job throwing balls, then dear Tony can win a Superbowl, damn it! I would have to go through the beautiful goat and Belichick to do it, but I digress.
I’m not a fan of the Cowboys in any sense of the word, believe me, but those rookies did a great job last year. The fun Prescott-Elliot train made its way to a 13-3 season and coincidentally left old Tony at the preseason station. Did Tony complain? No. He just quietly took the next train and embraced the role of mentor / backup with the class. He did not complain or demand an exchange, he taught and supported his heir. He did this perhaps knowing that he was hastening his own demise. He must have known. I mean, Tony should wake up and pee the class in his class bathroom.
Let’s analyze it. Romo played for Jerry Jones for 13 seasons. Then? Well imagine this: you work for your ultra-conservative, you make ‘merica cool again, Keystone drinking father-in-law. Your father-in-law surely thinks that he can do your job better than you, and he will tell you about it. Oh yeah, you live with him too. Well, Jerry Jones is that father-in-law, except Jerry is a billionaire and cowboy football is his ‘merica’. Now, will you stay there after 13 years of Jerry-ball and watch a kid from the state of Mississippi take your job? Not only that, are you going to help him do it? Dammit! Tony must be a part-time monk or something. Or maybe he’s the most regal guy in the NFL.
Romo saw the opportunity to quit while he was ahead (looking at you Brett). Tony saw the writing on the walls and decided to finish the story before someone else could. He understood that it was in the best interest of his team to leave, although it might not be in the best interest of his legacy. So that’s what he did. If you told me his middle name was Humble, I’d say it’s a strange, if appropriate, middle name for Tony.
I suppose his long list of injuries could have influenced his decision to retire, and maybe he chose the quality of life after football over football, and maybe he chose to hang out with his fiery wife and raise his children. instead of being crushed by a giant. men all day. But whatever. Humble Tony makes a better story.
Antonio Humble Ramiro Romo, you are the sexiest player in the NFL of 2017.
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