Dietlin: Some Really Different USC Coach Candidates

Posted on October 5, 2021

  By Mik Dietlin, SportsPac12

SUBWAYThere has been talk about fan attendance at the Colosseum this season, and how these fans storm the parking lot and flee the grounds during the third quarter. It is not a good look for any university.

A painfully bright blue soccer field isn’t looking good for any college either, but at least the people of Boise stay in their seats throughout the game.

Maybe some are leaving early with legitimate excuses? I do not know. But I’m pretty sure the vast majority of fans who reside in the mountain time zone like to get their money’s worth.

Not so in Southern California. There is always a better party elsewhere, enough disposable income to launch into an ocean of joy.

Sitting through an entire college football game when the home team acts like they’d rather go clubbing in West Hollywood is considered self-flagellation.

USC Athletic Director Mike Bohn has hinted that he wants a charged and exciting atmosphere permeating the House that the Olympics built. To this end, he decided to dabble in pyrotechnics before night games at home.

Fireworks are a good place to start I guess. It’s not that creative, but everyone seems to enjoy them, so why not?

Ancient Rome may have had access to a rudimentary form of fireworks, but if it did, it is unlikely that they unloaded them before decapitating the scum of society in the original. Coliseum, as they spelled it back then.

Gladiators in ancient Rome |

They couldn’t light up the city sky anyway because the Coliseum It had no lights, believe it or not. Additionally, city ordinance 23126849 dictated that all murder and chaos had to end at dusk to avoid accidental injury to popular gladiators.

I think the way the Romans spelled their stadium was much better. Looks like…harder. I have no idea what the moderns were thinking when they changed it.

I will only say that the spelling alteration was the impetus for what we are now witnessing at USC: the fall of Troy.

Fortunately for everyone, I am here to help.

So our AD feels that what is most lacking is an entertaining gaming experience, and not recruiting better quality offensive and defensive line players. Alright then, I can provide that luxurious adrenaline rush Angelenos can’t live without.

The first order of business is to hire a head coach, a master of ceremonies so to speak. As will become clear, Escapism City will thrive with the hiring of the right coach. But not just any coach. You need star power, familiarity, charisma, in other words, A-Listers.

Training capacity does not matter. As Trojan fans understand very well, it takes no talent to thrive in this city.

So here’s my USC Head Coach Search Leader Board, a top five list that’s sure to keep those liposuctioned butts in their seats.

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold Schwarzenegger | Tony Gutierrez / Associated Press

Possibly the most successful story in show business history. Any task that is proposed, it fulfills it without fail.

Arnold has not only enjoyed total success, he has also enjoyed total memory, which should come in handy during game preparation. She even married an American royal (Kennedy) and served as governor of Cal-ee-forn-i-yuh.

Nothing captivates the collective minds of local and long-distance people more than superheroes, and that fact alone makes him number one on the leaderboard.

Any physical challenge, as impossible as it may seem, is never beyond your ability, even teaching solid and consistent running game.

Arnold would control every aspect of the show (the disgusting thrusters and top brass encased in his ivory tower will have no choice). He would also act as a coach, so you would be exercising some fiscal responsibility with the hiring.

I thought about going with Sylvester Stallone, but who thinks a munchkin with special effects muscles can really spank Ivan Drago and Apollo Creed? Surely not, and I pity the poor fool who does.

2. Denzel Washington
Denzel Washington | ESPN

DEnzel has appeared in almost every Top 10 and the best imaginable list, and I am not going to leave him out of mine.

Epitome of cool, smooth and sure to attract more fans who are hesitant to attend the biggest party in Los Angeles.

You’ll win the love and affection of players faster than Clay Helton can say. However, unlike Helton, lurking in Washington’s soft heart beats an evil rage that, if left simmering, could tear you apart quite well. They thought the same of Lombardi.

The good thing for gamers is that you never have to let things go that far.

Specially selected vignettes from his films such as “American Gangster”, “Eli’s Book” and “Training Day” will solve problems on and off the field.

He is the only candidate on this list with real coaching experience, documented by “Remember the Titans” experts.

“King Kong doesn’t have ^ & * # with me!”

Oh yeah! That is the verve that Trojanland sadly lacks during the last billion years. I realize Denzel’s character Detective Alonzo Harris absorbs about 50 rounds after grunting the line, but you get the point.

3. Britney Spears
Britney Spears at Super Bowl XXXV | Jeff Haynes / AFP via Getty Images

Bohn could do well by switching in the opposite direction, from Arnold’s cyborg paramilitary futurism, or Denzel’s Jekyll-Hyde-effectiveness mental deficiency, to the Princess of Pop, more pure (well maybe somewhat pure) performer. versatile.

Spears is a world legend and a tireless worker. You can certainly instill that admirable work ethic in your players, especially when they need you most during the second and third quarters.

His long-suffering guardianship battle is ample proof that he can make mistakes, regroup, and come out looking great.

Its versatility will help in ways we can hardly imagine now, such as relieving the SC faithful of their frustration and tension with humor, playing his recording “Whoops! … I Did It Again” after each and every stupid Trojan or criminal bugs.

I’m not sure what the rules are that allow head coaches to enter the locker room, but it doesn’t matter. Britney doesn’t care about X’s and O’s, except when writing love songs.

His strength is obviously not in breaking the coverage of the area, but in preventing more than 70,000 from leaving the stadium performing during time-outs.

Their mini halftime concerts will be epic. That is, until the Trojans run into the field to start the second half, stopping the pandemonium.

4. Quentin Tarantino
Quentin Tarantino | Valerie Macon / AFP via Getty Images

WWe all know that soccer is a violent game, meant to be played with violence. Ask Vic So’oto. How the hell can you ever be considered “soft” again with “Bad Boy of Blood” in the director’s chair?

Whatever cheesy video screen Jerry Jones has set up in his building, Tarantino will double its length and girth, even paying for it out of pocket. Everything may be bigger in Texas, but they are the size of Godzilla in Hollywood.

On this 8K screen, Tarantino will show hideous images of bones breaking, close-ups of hyperextended limbs and the excruciating faces that belong to those limbs, angry saliva coming out of the coaches’ mouths in slow motion, and, as his trademark , comic forms of blood. it can come out of a body.

Written, produced and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

We have football the way it was supposed to feel, like we’re watching a featured Dick Butkus movie. If you’re wondering who’s training while Tarantino shoots, don’t worry. That’s why they have assistant coaches.

Quentin’s job is to produce Oscar-worthy cinema that explodes on a visceral intellectual level, creating the depth of emotion necessary for the team to run properly like the blue chippers who were classified out of high school.

5. Snoop Dogg
Snoop Dog | Illustrated Sports

Bohn might think it’s about time the Trojan Nation had a head coach who provides the perspective of a dedicated fanatic for day-to-day operations. Who better to run the joint than Snoop?

Anyway, it is always floating like a fine mist around the players. Of course, this is only while they are winning, which can put their loyalty into question.

But it would not. Dogg is loyal. Losing is just a big downturn for him.

To think that his lack of coaching experience and acumen is detrimental to igniting a new powerhouse in Los Angeles is simply a pipe dream. Hasn’t this chronic dysfunction of the last eleven years been long enough?

Look at the previous head coaches and their experience and insight and tell me who is most likely to spark the imaginations of the players.

Their super smooth facade is what it takes for this show to chill and be themselves, free from suffocating media criticism and a disgruntled fan base, red-eyed with irritation.

I promise you, Snoop brings a unique competitive presence to the sidelines. He’s the type of coach who will squint around the field, focus a lot on locating the opposing coach, stare at him and think, “Man, I’ve got your number.”

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