Let’s play a fun game. A few weeks ago a few of us on the Carty Free Slack channel were discussing a game called “pervert or not”. The game was this: You would look at an anthropomorphic logo or some graphic design element and decide if that logo looks like it’s staring at your butt. A lot of giggles ensued, as well as an exasperated debate about how the business or academic committee also approved his logo, didn’t see how it came across (or why they didn’t care).
This is a very fun game to play with college athletic logos. They change over the years, but almost every college or university has an athletic program and those programs all have logos. I thought this would be a fun review theme, so I went to Sidearm Sports for, uh, research purposes.
I want to be clear – I’m focusing on athletic LOGOS here rather than the poor college students dressing up as furries and entertaining college football crowds. There are plenty of perverted-looking physical mascots (looking at you, Stanford Tree, and also you, Lourdes University Gray Wolf), but it takes some effort to create an institutional logo that gives off decidedly uncolored vibes.
So search those college campuses and give your favorite perverted athletic logos in the comments. However, these are my favorites. Here are your player ratings for Tottenham Hotspur’s goalless draw with Everton themed around college athletics logos looking rather perverted.
5 stars: Chestnut Tiger
I’m kind of breaking my own rule here by going with two historical mascots rather than sticking to logos that are still in use, but these two are so good I can’t use them. Auburn University’s mascot is a tiger, and apparently this tiger was an absolute LAD in the early 20th century. What’s interesting is that these two graphics are decades apart, but they still give the same lascivious side view. That tiger is stripping me as I write this, and I don’t even think I’m his type.
No Tottenham player has been that good.
4.5 stars: Wichita State Shocker
I’m just going to put this here – same energy.
No Tottenham player has been that good.
4 stars: Loyola Chicago Wolf
As linked above, Lourdes University in Ohio is carrying the torch (figuratively speaking) for “lusty wolf mascots”), but Loyola Chicago needs some credit here. Just look at that thing’s eyes. It’s a wolf, so you don’t know what he’s thinking, but come on, you know what that wolf is thinking.
Emerson Royal (Community – 3.5): I am pleasantly surprised by Royal in two games under Antonio Conte. He’s not the fastest player, he doesn’t have the best cross, but he’s just an exceptionally well-rounded fullback who doesn’t look out of place in Conte’s tall fullback position, on either side of the ball.
Hugo Lloris (Community – 3.5): Hugo was not often called into action, but he commanded his territory well. He was quick off his line several times to catch loose balls. You can start to see a difference in how he plays under Conte. And yes, he got a tap on the ball.
3.5 stars: Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodon
I wonder if “mastodon” was a typo.
Oliver Skipp (Community – 3.5): I still hate Skippbjerg’s midfield, but I have to admit Skipp was more solid than I did him before. He’s not particularly creative, but he shouldn’t be. He put an end to the game, kept things simple and did a pretty good job in a hostile away environment.
Cuti Romero (Community – 3.5): I was concerned after Cuti got a cheap yellow for dissent midway through the second and as the game got tougher, but he kept things civil for the most part. He is firmly in the back and will be exceptional under Conte.
Antonio Conte (Community – 3.5): Eyes were skewed when the lineup came out, but I’ll give Conte a pass until he has a longer time to work with this team. Playing Nuno’s XI with his tactics has largely worked so far and you can tell he’s already got Spurs playing with a real PLAN. It wasn’t perfect, but at least it’s coherent.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community – 3.0): I don’t know why Gio keeps getting crap from Spurs fans. I thought he was pretty good in his sub appearance overall, and that line-splitting ball he played in the transition to Kane deserves this ranking alone. He hit the post with one of the best chances of the game for Spurs. Not everything came out, but Spurs looked better after he got in. But I think he screwed up a corner, so.
3 stars: Regis University Ranger
I don’t know about you, but while the Regis Ranger wears a hat, he doesn’t really look like a ranger to me. What he DOES look like is someone who if you saw them outside the bar, you’d probably call campus security to take you home.
Ben Davies (Community – 3.0): Look, I’ve been hard on Ben for the past year because, frankly, he’s been bad most of the time. On Sunday, playing as a wide CB in the back three, he was pretty good. Interesting to see how he takes liberties by breaking into midfield at times… that must be coaching.
Eric Dier (Community – 3.0): Conte has placed Dier as the center of his back three and has largely succeeded. Dier is probably the least mobile of the three centre-backs, but he has decent positioning and did well against Richarlison, who can be a burden to handle. I wonder if he’s the long-term solution Conte wants.
Matt Doherty (Community – 2.5): I have no idea where to put this guy. He played out of position for the first time in eternity and didn’t trip over his own feet or make any major mistakes. I can’t say he was bad precisely. He certainly wasn’t big. Three stars? Sure, that sounds good.
2.5 stars: Dalton State College Roadrunner
I don’t know what a Dalton State College is, but I know Roadrunner is definitely peeking around the DS logo like some creep.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.0): Pretty loose on the ball. Worked hard and had four tackles but when you play alongside Skipp in midfield it’s up to you to be more creative and Pierre just wasn’t. He’s playing like he’s gone 18 months without a break so I tend to be nice but I’m not sure he’s the answer in midfield under Conte.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): I thought Sonny might enjoy this Everton defence, but he didn’t have any shots that day. He did create one big chance, but on a day when Kane was off, we needed Sonny. He was not.
Lucas Moura (Community – 3.0): Another game from Lucas in which he spent more time dribbling into trouble than creating chances, and he lost the ball several times. Frustrating match.
Sergio Reguilon (Community – 2.5): Not great, Sergio. He grabbed a cheap yellow early in the game and bundled his best chance over the bar. Pretty bad around the box. I think he can be great under Conte, but his inconsistency can be quite maddening.
2 stars: John Jay College Bloodhound
I thought dog mascots had to be either terrifying or cute. This one looks like a dirty old man sitting on a bench in the park of the university campus outside the library.
Harry Kane (Community – 2.5): A pretty miserable afternoon for Harry. Just two shots, both blocked, and he looked sluggish the entire game.
1 star: Grays Harbor College Choker
Look, there are mascots that just look perverted, and then there are the ones that show you their weapons. According to the Grays Harbor College website, “Charlie the Choker” is a woodcutter who uses that rope and hook in his hands to gather felled trees. Just a coincidence that in this older version he is heavily muscled, shirtless, and smiling at something he seems to really like a lot just off screen.
Tom Carroll Memorial Not Rated
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Richardson — Normally I give these to Tottenham players, but I have to take my hat off to Everton’s Brazilian forward. Dude gave a shithouse clinic – screamed for nonexistent handballs, flopped at every opportunity and argued with the match official for reasons beyond me. You could definitely tell he had some Copa America history with Cuti because that match-up was SPICY.